BORING IN MARRIAGE
Oh, Counsellor, I need your help. My wife said she is finding our marriage is boring. What should I do?
When a woman utters such kind of word, indeed it is a pregnant one, and if you do not strengthen your marriage like a man, you may lose that woman, if she sees no reason why she should be committed and submitted to you again. There are factors to note and consider when a woman makes such an announcement. What is boring to a woman?
Boring in marriage may be defined as an act causing weariness and restlessness in turn bringing a lack of interest in the spouse and the marriage as a whole.
Likely things that bring about Boring in Marriage are:
1. Being boring in communication and interaction. Women love men who communicate with them, even when they are saying what you do not consider relevant as a man. When a woman comes back from the office, work, shop, shopping, mosque, an occasion, one meeting or the other, she wants to tell her hubby everything that happened there, and she wants you, not only to listen to her but to make comments, i.e interact together on what she is saying. When her husband doesn’t do that, she will consider the man boring, and that kills her love for her husband gradually. This doesn’t mean they are talkative but it’s their way of creation (except a few among them).
2. Being boring socially. Women like that their husbands should stay with them when watching things, gist with them, make them laugh, play with them, hold them or touch them when they are talking together as husband and wife, go to occasions with them like other women’s husbands who attend occasions together to make him known, wear the same colour of the dress or the same material of cloth, visit their family members together, going to lectures together or go for a picnic together etc. When you don’t do these things, you’re boring to women, and their love for you will diminish. Though, you may not be able to do all but try your best to find time for them. This was exactly what happened to Rosulullaah and Aaishaah on different occasions where he carried her on his shoulder to watch the Ansar (people of Madeenah) when he raced with her, he laughed with her when she showed her a horse with wings, etc.
3. Being boring emotionally. Women love men who connect with them emotionally; men who complement their looks (shapes, dress, psychic, and so on). Men who care about their looks getting better, men who talk “dirty” with them at home, men who understand their mood even when they do not talk. For example, a woman may want her husband badly but won’t talk and expects you as the husband to understand that she’s horny and needs “something light” for the moment. When you fail to do all these, you’re nothing but boring to her, and you’re killing her. This is called a sense of humour.
4. Being boring sexually. Many women do not like men being boring in bed. Some women like it hot for real with their husbands while some want it at a slow and steady pace. What matter most is spicing your sexual life. Don’t stick to a style or a particular place for sex. Getting less than their expectations in terms of rounds and quality of what they want can be termed boring. If such a woman is frustrated and she’s not disciplined, she will either close her legs for her hubby and be giving flimsy excuses to dodge you.
WAY OUT OF BORING MARRIAGE LIFE.
1. Learn to communicate deeply with your wife and learn how to be humorous. When a woman leaves her parents house to your house, she looks up to you in many things. Communication is top on the list. When she comes back home from outside or when you come home from work (in case she is a full minister for home affairs), ask her about her day (despite being at home), outing etc. Don’t say: How was your day? Nope….. Because the answer is an automatic fine, then, she closes her mouth and minds her business. Say things like Sweetheart, tell me about your day/outing, I can’t wait to hear how your day/outing went, Honey, gist me about your day/outing etc. Ensure she speaks. The is the beginning of making your home look like paradise on earth. She will always long for you even before you are back from work because the home is lifeless without you.
2. Connect with your wife socially. Don’t only go to lectures with her, go to outings with her, hold her hand in public (if you are not shy of it), wear the same colour or same material dress, make her laugh often, surprise her with a nice outfit sometimes (advice of Ibn Abbas), plan an outing with and for her (where possible). Sometimes, get her a cup of ice cream or Yoghurt or fruits when you’re returning home from work, visit her family together etc. Make her happy as much as you can. Women also like that their husbands play with the children at home; please, let the atmosphere be warm at home, even with the children.
3. Rise to her emotional needs. Know when she wants you, and take her to “Makkah” (ask me about Makkah in your comment) anywhere in the house any time of the day, but ensure children are not around. This might be the holiday period, send the children away for holiday but it should be where they are going to be safe against Child Abuse and molestation, and use children’s absence at home to connect with her, let honeymoon be experienced again. Send her love text and “dirty” messages, compliment her looks after dressing up, even when she is not dressed for any outing. Spark up her desire for you with words because women are moved by what they hear, unlike men who are moved by what they see. Tell her sweet words from time to time. Woo her every day of her life.
4. Step up your bedroom performance. Make love to her the way she wants it. Give it to her as much as she wants it. If you need supplements, go for such; some supplements can be of help. I will not mention any particular one for you. I don’t know if you are into any herbal therapy medicine of such or prophetic medicine on becoming a real man on the bed. Travel out of being a one-minute indomie man. Most women don’t like that. Also, don’t let her be the only one initiating lovemaking and styles always; when she mentions a style to you, don’t be in haste to condemn her or it (the style) until you know what Islam says about it. Don’t let your ego make you reject the truth. What people said is that one good turn deserves another. When a woman is the one initiating lovemaking always, this is not too good; be a man in everything as you always claim of being a man of the house! Perhaps, it will interest you to know that some women choose to remain in their marriages because of the happiness they are seeing in it even if there is no money. While some choose to leave when there is money but it’s boring from A to Z.
5. Be spiritual. Women like it when their husbands are more spiritual than them and pray with them, shares the divine words (Quran and Hadith) with them, join them to attend programs/seminar, etc. They love it when a regular home Halqah is going on periodically.
Finally, you can suggest to your wife or husband that you both should schedule a counselling session with a Muslim counsellor, a therapist etc depending on what you think is wrong in your marriage.
May Allaah Subuhanahu Wa Taala blesses our marriage and makes it a Paradise on Earth.
BHMC 2 COUNSELLING9